pop tarts are not kleenex
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
