i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
