thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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