I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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