whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
