I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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