I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
