I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
