If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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