Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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