An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
