A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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