Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
