Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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