"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i out mim tonsoeep
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