Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
