i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
