I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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