Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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