Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
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You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.