if only i could text you this smell
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found the puke drawer
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.