i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....