the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
