im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
