you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
