Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
