My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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