i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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