He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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