Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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