My hand turned me down
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
