I like to think it a success when the cops are called
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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