thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
