Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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