I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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