textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
