Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
