I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
