Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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