she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i will never coherently bang her
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
