Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
