Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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