How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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