I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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