Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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