I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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