i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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