Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
