My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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