Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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