It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
