yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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