Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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