I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
