there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
