My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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