i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
