Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
