i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
